In a year from now…

First day of holidays and it’s time for self reflection and thoughts of the future.

It’s hard to think what my life will be like in a year’s time, but I do know that it will be very different from now. I look forward to sealing the letter and opening it in a year’s time. I wonder how much will have come true? And if I care if it hasn’t? Will something better have happened in my life?

I’ve also taken the time to write a letter to myself about the highlights of this year so far. There have been a lot. It will be a joy and perfect reminder to also open this letter in a year’s time to remind me how much I’ve traveled, to show how far I’ve journeyed, and that I have grown even though at times it might not feel like it.

Time for some dreaming as I write.

Lilliana Rose 🌹

www.lillianarose.com

Doorways

Looking through doorways before some journaling and wondering where they may take me in my imagination.

An inspiring environment to do some journaling.

Lemons

Drawing and painting isn’t my art form, writing is. For some reason this is how my mind is wired, to see the world in stories and words. While, I’ve always struggled to learn how to draw and paint, (it doesn’t come easy for me) I’m drawn to trying to learn and develop this artistic skill.

The other month, I enrolled in a 10-week course. Each time I thought about going to the first class I’d preferred to go and stand in the corner of a room and cry. I didn’t, and I managed to make it to the first class, then the second, third and in fact I completed all ten classes with perfect attendance. But did I learn to draw and paint?

I did. I think. But the feeling of wanting to go stand in the corner and cry never managed to go away. I pushed through these emotions, I wanted to grow and face my fear, and my internal dialogue that was full of negativity. I was challenged every step and spent a lot of time not looking at other’s work so as not to compare myself. I needed to focus solely on trying my best, with the emphasis of not expecting to produce a masterpiece the first time, which wasn’t the purpose of me doing these classes, yet the internal expectation was innately there, even though I know I never write a story perfectly the first time. I’m comfortable with that. I know the process with writing. I don’t know this process with painting. And there are some differences with these artistic processes.

I write in solitude. Art class was with other people, and each stroke I made on the paper was in full sight. I wasn’t used to feeling so exposed or vulnerable when creating art. The last three weeks were about painting a still life of lemons on a canvas. I’m putting these stages out here publically not to get praise or feedback, but as a way to be vulnerable in my creation in all its imperfections, because the what I may perceive is wrong with it doesn’t really matter. I tried. It’s my first step on a much bigger journey. So here’s my first step of painting on canvas for the first time.

outline of lemonsFirst draw the still life on paper. Then transfer on canvas by scribbling charcoal on the back and transferring the image to the canvas – not to dissimilar to what I’d used to do in my early years of schooling. Then I covered the canvas in the first layer of acrylic paint. I wasn’t inspired to paint lemons. I’m used to choosing my creative topic. I questioned how hard was it to draw lemons? Hard. For me at least. I went home about to throw the canvas in the bin. All artists get to this point. Thanks to computers my novels don’t get ditched, but I have thrown out my stories I wrote when growing up.drawing-lemons.jpg

I went back for the next lesson. I added another layer of paint, shaping the lemons and more importantly showing myself a glimpse of the style of painting I was allowing to form. Bold. Modern. Colourful.

first coat of paint on lemons

The third lesson of painting lessons, I learnt about glazing. I touched up the colours to add depth. I finished. And if I had thrown my canvas in the bin after the first lesson, I would never have realised there is some skill there for me to develop.

lemons last coat of paint

And I’ve booked in for another 10 weeks with Splashout Studios.

I’d love people to share below the creative process when trying a new forms.

Thanks for reading my post,

Lilliana Rose

www.lillianarose.com

 

 

Fountain Pen Joy!

I treated myself to a new Lamy fountain pen. I can’t stop using it and I’ve switch to more handwriting just so I can use it!

This treat to myself is definitely paying off in creative currency! The ideas and flowing along with the words.

The iced latte is a change because it’s a hot spring day and I’m in need of a cool drink as well as my daily caffeine hit!

Lilliana Rose

www.lillianarose.com

Balancing Act

I used to wish for time where I could write uninterrupted. Through life events I’d rather not have happened, I found myself able to take time out from a full time teaching job to write. It wasn’t quiet the romantic idea I had in mind, and as time went on, I needed to go back to work to earn money.

Then began a time of inner conflict as my job drained my energy. I found it difficult to have the time, and space I needed to find the inspiration to write. But slowly I began to adjust. I learnt to carve out time for my writing (this has taken two years to achieve) and find a balance between work (which I do enjoy) and also my writing (which I love).

It hasn’t been easy.

In the process, I’ve found some hidden benefits to not writing full time.

On the ground level, work has provided a chance for me to have a break from writing, and it takes me away from spending too much time alone. As much as I would love to, it’s not healthy for me to write all the time, spending long hours each day alone with my imagination. The real world calls me to be a part of it. Teaching primary school children is a big reality check.

When at school I’m listening to student’s stories, usually about how they are so excited and proud to have a loose tooth. I’m reminded how when five I used to show off my wobbly teeth to adults. I see now from watching students my finger was in the way, and no one saw my tooth, but not once did they let on, just as I don’t now. While working, I’m also interacting with adults, sharing stories, ideas, and teaching practices, which stirs up emotions, memories, just like a wobbly tooth.

At work, I’m interacting with a lot of people, I’m talking and listening, and while this doesn’t feed directly into my writing it helps me to feel part of life. Meeting people at work provides an outside influence, it draws me out of my head and into the real world, and it stirs up sparks of creativity within my mind. It also gives me a chance to help others and provides further purpose to my life.

It’s a complicated relationship between work and writing. I express myself differently at both places. But by realising these two areas of my life can work together in harmony is freeing.

I never thought work and writing could find a balance. But now, my ideas flow just as much whether I’m teaching or not and that’s a good position to be in.

The Art Within

I’m about to discover my artistic style when drawing and painting. blank canvas

Driving home from art class I had an insight to my art journey. I’m learning about drawing and painting, and while I’ve attempted to do this over the years, very much amateur-like, I’ve not established or discovered my style.

I realised it’s a little like unwrapping a gift when you have no idea what’s inside. So far there are hints my art will be bold and colourful (which would match my personality), but maybe other aspects will shine through. A softer side? A darker side? A funny side? It’s certainly an exciting position to be in.

What makes this even more exciting is that I never thought I had any real artistic talent in terms of painting, and definitely not with drawing. This is because of a few reasons. Mainly from the wrong comments, and a little too much criticism, by well meaning people when I was young. I then continued to keep these comments alive in my mind by saying them to myself every time I drew or painted.

Also it’s easy to compare yourself with others starting at a young age. This self-perception is within naturally. There’s always someone better than you, especially if you look negatively at your own work. It can be a block. Once I realised this, I address these feelings so they wouldn’t stop me from expressing myself artistically. A big part of this process is not looking at other people’s work, if I do it is only with admiration.

I’ve gone through this process with writing. I’m more practised at observing how I feel and I notice the resistance coming up. I know I’d rather go stand in the corner and cry than do the art classes. But this is me. No one else is causing this and I can face my fear, which leads me out of my comfort zone so I’m growing and discovering new things about myself. The difference is also now I’m ready to discover my style and I’m willing to explore an undiscovered part of myself. cube sphere painted

To find the new artistic skill within me and coax it out into life is fun. Instead of being fearful, or anxious, I am excited to discover what might develop and allow my style to be released. It’s exhilarating. A mix of excitement, nerves, anticipation, expectation, and wonder. All from simply drawing and painting in class.

The result is I’m on the edge of discovering my style of expression, and to allow the art that has been locked inside of me for so long out.